If You Were Gay: A Collection of Songfics
by TohruROX2221
Summary: This is a bunch of random sonfics I thought about, so please read them! They're meant to be comical! Put in poetry because it's SONGfics!
1. If You Were Gay

**The other day I was listening to a song while iCarly was on, so I got the idea to do a songfic, but instead of making it just one chapter, like most songfics, I decided I'd do muliple chapters for more of the craziness! Here's the first one! It's what makes the story rated T because it talks about our favorite little tech nerd possibly being gay!**

If You Were Gay

It was Sunday. Freddie and Sam were roommates in college (college: Washington State University), which surprisingly the school was okay with. Every Sunday Sam just rode a subway around for a few hours for the heck of it. Finally, Freddie got the alone time he needed.

"Ah, an afternoon of reading," he said, enjoying the silence that wasn't filled with discussion of ham versus bologna. "My favorite book, _The Little PC Book,_ no roommate to bother me, how could it get any better?" He kicked off his shoes, sprawled out on the coach, and just started reading about how to recover a lost computer file when the door was flung open by none other than Sam.

"Oh, hey, Freddork!" Sam greated, coming in with a box of bacon.

"Hi, Sam," Freddie said glumly.

"Hey, Freddork, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning!" Sam said, getting excited about something as Freddie perked up to listen. "This guy was talking to me and smiling at me."

"That's very interesting," Freddie said, picking up his book. He knew that by 'guy' Sam really meant girl, but still, it wasn't so exciting Sam had to come in and announce.

"And she was being _really friendly,_ and I think she was coming onto me! I think she might've thought I was gay!"

Freddie was a little nervous. Ever since gay marriage was allowed, he was a little uncomfortable talking about gay people. "Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? Not that I do. But anyway, what did you have for lunch today?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Freddork," Sam said.

"I'm _not_ getting defensive!" Freddie yelled, getting defensive, but not about the lesbian, he was getting defensive about Sam calling him nothing but Freddork since she walked in the door. "What do I care about some lesbian you met? I'm trying to read! You do know what reading is, right?"

"Oh, I don't mean anything by it, Freddork. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."

"I don't want to talk about it, Sammy!" Freddie cried, slamming down the book. He only called her 'Sammy' when he was really irritated. "This conversation is over!"

"Yeah, but…"

"_OVER!_" Freddie yelled.

"Well, okay, but just so you know…" Sam said, slightly dissapointed. She then burst into song. "If you were gay, that'd be okay! I mean, cause hey, I'd like you anyway…"

Freddie was slightly taken aback at two things: one, that Sam could sing so well in the spur of the moment, and two, she just admitted she liked him. Not like he used to like Carly, but the way _she_ used to like Carly.

"…Because you see, if it were me I would feel free to say that I was gay but I'm not gay!"

"Sammy, please! I am trying to read!" He dug himself back in his book, but Sam jumped on the coach. "What?!"

"If you were queer," Sam continued in her singsong voice.

"Ah, Sammy!" Freddie cried at the stains Sam was getting on the coach, and the fact she wouldn't give up the whole 'if you were gay' thing. She hadn't taken off her shoes yet and they were covered in mud.

"I'd still be here!"

Freddie didn't point out that now was too late to switch roommates anyway.

"Sam, I am trying to read this book." He held up _The Little PC Book_ so Sam would see, but she paid no mind.

"Year after year!"

"Sammy!" Now she had jumped off the coach but was prancing around the sitting room.

"Because you'd be dear to me," she sang, singing around the lamp, one hand on it while she spun.

"Argh!" Freddie cried as the lamp fell to the floor. It didn't break but he was still angry.

"And I know that you…"

"What?" Freddie interrupted.

"…would accept me, too…"

"I _would_?" Freddie asked to test Sam, but she didn't seem to notice as she continued her song.

"…if I told you today, 'hey, guess what, I'm gay!' but I'm not gay! I'm happy just being with you…!"

"High button shoes, Pal Joey," Freddie said, not exactly sure what he meant by it.

"So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?"

"Sammy, that's _gross._"

"No it's not! If you were gay, I'd shout 'hooray!'…"

"I'm not listening!" Freddie said, losing his temper fast.

"…and here I'd stay!"

"La la la la la!" Freddie said, covering his ears, trying to block out the horrible noise of Sam's song about his sexual preferrences.

"But I wouldn't get in your way…!"

"Aaaah!" he cried, mainly because of two things: his method of blocking out Sam's singing hadn't worked, and the fact that she still _was_ singing.

"You can count on me to always be beside you every day, to tell you it's okay, you were born that way! And as they say it's in your DNA, you're gay!"

"_BUT I'M_ NOT _GAY!_" Freddie cried, getting a terrible headache.

"If you were gay," Sam finished.

"Argh!"

* * *

**So how do you like it? I know it's not like most songfics, but it's my first ever, and I tried really hard to make it interesting. Also, I am not saying in any way that I think Freddie is gay, or that he is, and I have nothing against gays. If you're gay, woohoo. If you're not, terrific. It doesn't matter. I was listening to this song a couple days ago while iCarly was on, so I got the idea for this songfic. Tell me if I should continue or not!**

**--Maddie Marie**

* * *


	2. The Internet Is For Porn

**I figured the funniest songs I could find to do in this story would be for _Avenue Q,_ which is why I'm using another _Avenue Q_ song, entitled _The Internet Is For Porn._ You'll see. It's going to be totally crazy! So please R&R!**

**The Internet Is For Porn**

If there was anything Carly Shay wanted, all she had to do was ask her brother for it. Today, all she wanted was to have her own web show with her friends, but she figured Spencer would probably say no. It was one of the few things he would say no to, because in his mind, the Internet was just made for profanity, and that Carly didn't need to do anything Internet related.

Freddie had a backup plan: if Spencer asked what the web show was for, Carly would say it would be to teach people about the most exciting topic at the moment: the Internet.

At the moment, they were arguing over why (or in Spencer's case, why not) Carly would need to have a web show. Finally, she dropped the bomb of teaching kids about the Internet. She argued she was thirteen, and that was old enough to teach little kids about things without warping their brains.

"Finally, I get to teach a whole lesson, all by myself!" she said, showing she didn't need Spencer's help. "I'm going to teach something relevant, something modern." She realized that it was time to tell him what this web show was 'going to be about'. "The Internet!" In fact, she started to sing to seal the deal. "The Internet is really really great!"

"For porn!" Spencer argued.

"I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait!"

"For porn!"

"Huh? There's always some great new site…"

"For porn!"'

"I browse all day and night…"

"For porn!"

"It's like I'm surfing, at the speed of light!" Carly said, trying to save herself from losing.

"For porn!" Spencer said, pointing a banana at Carly. He started to peel it to make a smoothie for himself.

"Spencer!"

"The Internet is for porn!" he said, dropping the entire thing in the blender.

"What are you doing?" Carly asked, not exactly sure why he was making a smoothie when Groovy Smoothie wasn't that far away.

"Why do you think the net was born? Porn, porn, _porn!_"

"Spencer…" Freddie laughed at how pitifully Carly was doing.

"Oh! Hello, Fredward." Spencer said, just realizing Freddie was there. Freddie stopped laughing. Carly turned to Freddie.

"You are ruining my song!" she said, and Freddie was wondering when a song was thrown into his plan.

"Oh, me sorry," Freddie said, thinking so hard his words came out like little kid language. "Me no mean to." Suddenly he realized what he was saying. _Me no mean to?_

"Well, if you wouldn't mind, please be quiet for a minute so I can finish?"

"Okey dokie," Freddie said, continuing his little kid talk.

"Good." She turned back to Spencer, and began to sing once again. "I'm glad we have this new technology…"

"For porn!…oops!" Spencer said, as he dropped the lid of the blender on the floor.

"Which gives us untold oppertunity…"

"For porn!" Spencer said. Carly slapped his arm. "Oops, sorry!"

"Right from your desktop…"

"For…" Freddie said, but Carly turned and gave him a dirty look.

"You can research, browse, and shop…" Carly said, and Spencer bit his tongue from yelling out what _he_ thought the Internet was for. "Until you've had enough and you're ready to stop!"

"_FOR PORN!_" Spencer yelled, not able to take it anymore. Freddie busted up laughing.

"Freddie!" Carly cried.

"The Internet is for porn!" Spencer said, taking over the song.

"No!" Carly cried, feeling she was losing the argument.

"The Internet is for porn!"

"Spencer…"

"Me up all night honking me horn! Porn, porn, porn!" Spencer said, using Freddie's little kid language.

"That's _gross!_" Carly said at her brother, her cheeks turning red. "You're a pervert!"

"Ah, sticks and stones, little sister," Spencer said, tousling her hair.

"No, really, you're a pervert!" she said, slapping his hand away. "Normal people don't sit at home and look at porn on the Internet!"

"Ohh?"

"What?!"

"You have no idea!" Spencer said, getting an idea. "Ready, normal people?"

Freddie instantly knew what Spencer was getting at. "Ready!" he said.

"Ready!" Spencer said.

"Ready!" Freddie said again.

"_LET ME HEAR IT!_" Spencer cried.

"The Internet is for porn!" Spencer and Freddie harmonized.

"Sorry, Car-lay," Freddie said, slightly mocking Carly. She was disgusted that _Freddie_ thought the same things as Spencer.

"The Internet is for porn!"

"I masturbate!" Spencer said. _It's official,_ Carly thought. _I am _completely_ grossed out!_

"All these guys unzip their flies for porn, porn, porn…!"

"The Internet is _not _for porn!" Carly said, trying desperately to get back on topic.

"PORN, PORN…"

"Now wait just a minute!" Carly said, suddenly getting an idea. "Now I happen to know for a fact that you, Spencer, you check your sculptures and art galleries online."

"That's correct," Spencer admitted.

"And you buy things on Amazon dot com!"

"Sure!" Spencer said, thinking to when he actually bought a _donut_ on Amazon.

"And you sell our old possessions on eBay!"

"Yes, I do!" Spencer said, thinking back to when he got a thousand dollars just for an old broken chair of the Shay family.

"And Freddie, you sent me that sweet online birthday card!" Carly said, remembering something else.

"True…" Freddie added.

"Oh, but Carly, what do you think he do _after?_" Spencer said.

"Yeah…!" Freddie said, nodding in agreement.

"_EEW!_" Carly said.

"The Internet is for porn!" Spencer and Freddie sang to add to their song.

"Gross!" Carly said, thinking about the kinds of things Freddie and Spencer claimed to do online.

"The Internet is for porn!"

"_I HATE PORN!_"

"Grab your…" Carly interrupted at this point, but neither one of them cared. "…and double click for porn, porn, porn!"

"_I HATE MEN!_"

"Porn, porn, porn, porn!"

"I'm leaving!" Carly said, starting to walk towards the stairs, but Freddie grabbed her shoulder and wheeled her around.

"Porn, porn, porn, porn!"

"_I HATE THE INTERNET!_"

"The Internet is for…" Spencer started.

"The Internet is for…" Freddie sang.

"_THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN!_"

"Yeah!" Spencer said, as Carly fled from the room and out the hall. Unfortunately, she didn't notice the calendar—April first.

* * *

**So how did you like this one? Some April Fools joke…I know it's a little more adult than the other, but I think this one is way funnier! I think I'm going to keep doing _Avenue Q _songs, and then maybe I'll do a couple Weird Al ones. I have a few more chapters planned out, but I wanted to see what you thought of this one before continuing my story. (In case you didn't understand the ending, Spencer and Freddie tricked Carly into thinking the Internet is for porn because it was April Fools day, and that was the plan all along. They had it planned out for a little while, which is why Carly had to convince Spencer. Because they had the plan, Spencer had to convince Carly he thought the Internet was for profanity, so she would have to convince him to let her have her web show. Woo!)**

**--Maddie Marie.**


End file.
